The point of this article is not to provide in-depth insight into the art of making a commercial.
Commercials ain’t my cup of tea, baby.
The purpose is to give an outsider’s opinion as to what makes a commercial work and what makes it suck.
Commercial / television advertising is primarily reserved for companies with a pretty significant marketing budget.
You may see some small businesses advertising on television during local broadcasting, but very rarely is the production value up to par.
The average consumer’s attention span is decreasing by the day.
Back in the day, it was small children and senile adults who were known for losing focus two minutes into a conversation.
Nowadays, if you can complete an entire sentence before the person you are speaking to looks at their phone it is a remarkable feat, so it makes sense that attracting the attention of some droopy-eyed goon halfway through a Columbo rerun with a commercial is no easy task.
Like every marketing approach, to make your commercial stand out, it needs to be unique and provide value to your audience.
Try to think of commercial you have seen within the last 24 hours.
I bet you can’t.
If you can, then that means the commercial did its job – whether you are interested in its product or service or not.
In my eyes, the commercial industry has seen a consistent decline following the heinous allegations brought against the Shamwow guy.
Ok, they were neither heinous nor were they only allegations – the dude bit a hooker’s tongue off – or she bit his off… Something happened between him, a hooker, and a tongue.
Look at that maniac. His eyes stare straight into your soul.
Every time that lunatic was on my television, I bought what he was selling.
Not out of necessity; more because I feared he practiced some sort of black magic against those who didn’t buy his product.
But I’ve digressed.
So, what are marketing agencies doing wrong with commercials today?
There are obviously an infinite amount of other reasons, but these are some of the most common areas in which I constantly see television advertisements miss their mark.
In the defense of all today’s advertising agencies, it is hard to create marketing material when you know the majority of today’s population is a bunch of easily offended little bitches.
But that’s neither here nor there.
Progressive has been running with Flo for far too long. Every commercial you know what you’re getting: corny jokes in a brightly lit room.
In the beginning, Flo had potential.
Everyone knew who she was, and she got Progressive’s name seared into the minds of everyone who watched.
But at what point do you say enough is enough?
I have not felt the slightest bit of interest in what her or that nut she is always with has to say in a long time, and many feel the same way I do.
What they need to do is bring back Larry from the Big Green.
I don’t care what he says, if he’s selling, I’m buying.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Dos Equis.
One of the biggest mistakes in advertising history was Dos Equis’ decision to replace “The Most Interesting Man in the World.”
That man was an American treasure, and they thought they could just replace him?
Not only that, those unoriginal bastards kept the campaign the exact same. They didn’t even try to come up with new material.
They’re still trying to milk as much as possible out of “The Most Interesting Man in the World” strategy.
There isn’t a single cell phone carrier I respect or trust.
They all say the exact same thing as their competition, and they are all completely full of shit.
However, the one that really grinds my gears is Sprint.
As an extremely unsatisfied Sprint customer tied into a long-term contract, nothing makes me want to punch a stranger in the head more than listening to one of their commercials.
The only thing worse than the services they provide are the commercials they air.
Now, I’ll admit, going out and getting the former Verizon spokesperson was pretty baller, but their commercials are so poorly scripted, acted, and executed that it completely ruins an incredible strategy.
Still not as bad as the time they thought a woman saying T-Mobile was “ghetto” in a focus group would be good marketing material.
My last and final member of the worst commercials list is definitely the least popular.
It is not an ongoing campaign like the other entries, and probably not seen by most, but it is by far the worst.
Gildan featured Blake Shelton in one of their underwear commercials, and it is one of the most cringe-worthy 30 seconds of television I have ever witnessed.
Watch in horror:
Blake Shelton is so awkward that he can’t spit out the words “extra-large” without sounding like a complete doofus.
Not to mention that ole’ horny bat they had to throw in there at the end.
When I watch TV, I completely tune out when the commercials start.
Very rarely does something grab my attention away from my laptop, my phone, or the fashion show I put on with my cat, but one evening it all changed.
It was during an NFL game several weeks ago when I first saw it.
I was looking at my phone when I heard “In preparation for man’s journey to Mars…”, and instantly glanced back at the TV.
There was an astronaut in space, so instantly my mind is thinking:
But those guesses didn’t even come close.
Watch for yourself:
By the time it ended, I had already sold my business, left my wife, and told the kids I was going to find a new life at 84 Lumber.
By the time I got there I realized I was neither married nor had children… But that is beside the point.
The point is, the commercial was unique enough for me to stop what I was doing and give complete attention to what it had to say.
84 Lumber sells wood.
They know they aren’t Wells Fargo, and they know they aren’t looking to hire people with sticks up their asses.
They’re looking for down-to-earth guys and girls with a sense of humor.
Not only did they market themselves to potential employees, they also marketed themselves to a guy like me, and I don’t know the first damn thing about lumber.
I do, however, know that if I am ever in the market for some drywall or engineered wood products, I am going to 84 lumber.